Back in January, I chose the word “embrace” to guide me over 2009, and I wrote all about it.  And, over the last twelve months, I have definitely embraced all aspects of life and the many changes that have occurred with our little family.  And, as this year comes to an end today, I feel very fortunate for all these changes and the fact that I was open enough to embrace them.

For me, embrace has meant to sit back a little and let things happen, a position that I am not always comfortable taking.  It meant embracing the plans that others had for me, particularly with regards to the methods and means for us to start our family.  It also meant that I needed to embrace the system and trust that it would allow us to end up where we were supposed to.  And, they both worked out exactly like I had hoped.

And, I think the best lesson I learned over the last year is that sometimes I don’t always have to take an active approach to life.  Sometimes, I have to sit back long enough to figure out what is already in motion, and sometimes embracing that action is all that needs to be done.

As I transition into 2010, I feel again like I am turning ten again.  I feel like I am growing up and have so much still to learn much like I did 22 years ago. So, this year, my word is going to be “proceed.”

proceed

1. to move or go forward or onward, esp. after stopping.
2. to card on or continue any action or process.
3. to go on to do something.
4. to continue one’s discourse.
5. to be carried on, as an action or process.
6. to go or come forth; issue (often fol. by from).
7. to arise, originate, or result (usually fol. by from).

I think this word will give me a way to keep moving forward with my goals and all that I have learned since I started this process two years ago.  And, I think this will be particularly important over the next year as I learn to be a mom and how being a mom fits in with the rest of my life, particularly since right now, as I am so new in the moment, it feels a little more like a replacement than a merger.

This next year will be quite an adventure.  And, I hope my word will be a solid reminder for me to keep moving forward.  And, because it is always more fun to do this kinda thing with friends, if you are interested in creating your own word for the year, then you should check out the Word-of-the-Year Discovery Tool that Christine Kane is offering!  It is a great way to help you get started.

I just finished listening to the first podcast, and it was wonderful!

I just sat down to write this post, and I turned on Pandora, and the first song that came up was Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson.  It seems like a perfect sentiment for this afternoon.

I don’t know if I have shared yet, but the boy and I are going to be moving back to Northern VA.  I am ecstatic about the chance to live near my family again…to go home.  My grandmother is getting older, my brothers are starting their grown-up lives, babies are being born, and I am feeling too far away.  All this causes the draw I feel towards home to be stronger than normal.  So, finding out about this move was wonderful!  But, as with any move, my life has to be rewritten.

Even though this is a move back to a familiar scene, I have to rewrite the day-to-day adventures.  And, it is important for me to rewrite, not just fall back into the same old roles I have already lived there. This is hard to do.  Those old roles are comfortable and safe, and they are what people expect of me.  I am also a little scared of falling back into the hectic pace of life I am finally trying to ease my way out of, particularly since it seems so clear lately that additional stress is not good for my health.  So, I decided when we found out that this was going to be a moment this year for me to think about my word.

I have been embracing this move and all the possibilities it presents.  I have a lead on a new job, and I have already sent in an application.  We have a decision as to where we will be living, at least for the short term.  And, I have an idea about what the next step in my career will be, and my application to the program is underway.

This last one has presented a little bit of a problem for me in the “embrace” department.  Part of the difficulty I have had with this word is that I am not sure what to embrace from time-to-time.  I keep questioning whether or not I am falling back into the same patterns or whether or not I am pursuing what I really want.  I have said for a number of years that I really regret not having completed my minor in college, and now, I have a chance to work on a masters in the same area.  This new degree would allow me some flexibility with teaching opportunities as well.  I could potentially teach a few classes with a lightened grading load.  It seems like the right step to embrace.

Completing the application, however, has been a test of this decision to embrace this step.  Asking for recommendations has struck a nerve that I was hoping to avoid with this familiar moment of putting myself out there.  The boy’s job makes my career difficult to navigate.  To do what I really want, I need more education than I have now, and that requires that I ask for help from others, which is something I am definitely not comfortable with.  Bottom line is I am trying to figure out if this is a moment to embrace the opportunity for quiet or if this is the time to fight for what seems natural.

For now, I think my decision will be to embrace the choices I have already made and just keep breathing my way through the process.  I think I will be listening to this more often though!  Never hurts to have a reminder.

This was my old way of thinking.  Losing time relates to not having enough time, a constant fear of mine. But, this season, I have decided to take my word to heart and embrace the daylight saving that will occur on Sunday.

And, because for me, knowledge helps me embrace what I don’t know, I thought that I would share what I found out about the benefits of daylight saving time changes.  Some are related to me specifically, but most could easily be adapted to anyone reading.  And, because I am a true English teacher, my source is at the bottom!

• Moving time forward helps those activities that require more sunlight.  So for me, life.  I need more sun in my days, so this is my number one happy benefit.
• Traffic fatalities are reduced when there is extra sun in the afternoon.
• More light in the afternoon means more safe times to walk in my neighborhood with no sidewalks.
• There is a perception that energy is saved, which makes sense logically.  (Although, some don’t agree that this is the case because people are using energy in the morning hours they wouldn’t have had to use before.)

  Wikipedia

So, here is my little list. Instead of fighting that which is outside of my control, I am going to embrace this year’s time change and revel in the extra sun!  Hope you will join me.

Then, about a year or so ago, I was in my office, and I had someone call looking for editing work.  It was a last minute job, as they often are, and I get a few calls like it every year, probably because my name is near the top of the list on our faculty directory.

The job was for a busy doctor in town.  He needed help getting an assignment his daughter had created ready for a national competition.  So, because I like a challenge, I said yes.  And, was easily able to turn the document around in a day.  Then a month or so ago, I got another call from the same doctor looking for me to help his other daughter.  This was, again, a school assignment with a quick turn around requirement.  And, I, again, got it done for him.

As a result of this, he wanted to set-up tutoring sessions with his oldest daughter.  And, he isn’t really the type of man that takes no for an answer.  What I should have said was that while I have a full class load that I didn’t take on individual tutoring, not to mention that I teach college, not high school, which is actually a fairly large distinction.

I knew when I was first approached that I didn’t want to do it, but I felt kinda pressured by him.  It wasn’t an absolute “no,” but it definitely wasn’t an absolute “yes” either.  So, we started talking about days during the week that would work, and it ended up that Tuesday afternoons were the only time that would work for both of us.  So, very reluctantly, I said okay.

I have been rolling this “yes” around in my brain for a week or so now trying to wrap my head around this as something I would actually have to do.    And, it wasn’t just about the time involved.  Our philosophies about writing are completely opposite from each other.  I believe that you learn to write with practice and safe environments where it is okay for you to make mistakes.  And, I believe that my job is to help show students where those mistakes are without judgment.  The Dr. told me that he wanted me to force his daughter to love writing.  There is no forcing about my method of teaching.  But, still I rolled this “yes” around in my head trying to come up with a plan of attack.

Then, today, I read this post from Liz.  Last week, she challenged her readers to do something that scared them.  And, while I was thinking about all the possibilities of what I could do today that scared me, I realized that thing I wanted to do the most was preserve and protect my time.  And, this is a scary thing to me.  With my brand of teaching, there is always a certain amount of fear and contingency planning.  And, with the discussion of budget cuts spreading through higher education like wildfire, I think the “yes” was from a place of fear.

We are about to move.  We have to leave the home we have made for ourselves.  I am going to have to leave my secure job and face a new city with a new job search.  I have to start over, and we don’t know where we are going yet.  Those are some pretty scary things for me.

But, instead of staying in that place of fear, I decided to embrace my choice to value my time, which is probably what I need now more than anything.  And, I decided to embrace the challenge Liz offered, and I canceled.  I will not be tutoring on Tuesday afternoons.  I will do what I can to find a replacement, but I am going to say “no” to that kind of “yes.”

I think this year’s word is going to be perfect.

As I have been reading through the year’s recaps all over blogland, I have been considering the manner that I wanted to recap the last year.  I knew I wanted to recap all the crafty stuff I have accomplished the last year, but I wanted something more too.  And, I stumbled across a cool idea that I thought would work.

My friend, Devon, just posted an interesting meme to her blog about her last year.    The instructions were to make a list of the first sentence(s) of the first entry you wrote for each month.

1. January: Just had to share this with you all! I do warn you that this will completely get stuck in your head though.
2. February: Well, I am sitting in our union on campus because there was some miscommunication about a meeting that I thought that I needed to be at right now, and instead of walking back to my office in the frigid cold outside, I thought that I would just sit and write for a little instead.
3. March: I am continually amazed by the fact that it takes me so long to get into the swing of the semester.
4. April: I was reading on Dooce today about this photo exhibit, and I thought that I would share.
5. May: I am just sitting here thinking about how to attack all the grading that I have sitting around my office.
6. June: As we were walking through all the stalls of cool old marble mantles and cool old prints, there was one lone stall that looked like it was full of modern antique furniture.
7. July: This afternoon, I had the most lovely surprise waiting for me.
8. August: Today is going to be a busy day.
9. September: Around the country, this is the day that kids go back to school.
10. October: Just thought I would check in and let you know a little more about what I was up to…
11. November: This week has been a little crazy.
12. December: Over the last week, I played a little.

A couple of things struck me while looking through my old posts.  Sharing is becoming a larger part of what I am doing here.  I guess it would seen obvious to some that the purpose of a blog would be to share, but I am not sure that is why all this started for me.  I actually think I started a blog because I was asking my students to complete one at the time, and I thought it only fair that I complete one as well.  That was a long time ago, and I didn’t really embrace this space until much later.

I look forward to the next year and all the adventures it promises to bring forth.  I know that I will have this little space of the universe to share those adventures.

embrace

1. to take or clasp in the arms; press to the bosom; hug.
2. to take of receive gladly or eagerly; accept willingly: to embrace an idea.
3. to avail oneself of: to embrace an opportunity.
4. to adopt (a profession, a religion, etc).
5. to take in with the eye or the mind.
6. to encircle; surround; enclose.
7. to include or contain: An encyclopedia embraces a great number of subjects.

And, I am excited by the prospect of having friends join me this year.  The boy and the BGF have also been thinking about choosing a word to live with.  And, while I am by no means the only one out in blogland that is doing this, it will be nice to be joined by friends and family too!

Christine was nice enough to include some questions to help us get started, and the day I got the email, I went through and answered all of them.  Being the writing teacher that I am, I went back from time to time and tweaked a few things, and then I pulled all the pieces I liked the best together and sent it in.

Throughout this whole process, self-doubt started to slip through, but I persevered. And, then I received an email from Christine’s ezine with this article (included at the bottom of the page).

It is a wonderful article with a great message, and I was fine…until I got to the bottom of the page.  4,000 subscribers, and that was just to the ezine.  I thought of all the possible people that would be reading all about my insecurities and problems areas.  All I have to say is that it was a good thing that the article in the ezine was what it was.  Because my “Who do you think you are?” voice came through loud and clear.

But, it was a short-lived moment.  And, that is how I know that this last year with my word has done what it needed to do.  I am happy that I was able to share my thoughts on the last year in such a visible way.  I took accountability and ownership.  And, I thought that I would share my post here too!  Please make your way over to Christine’s site and check it out!

Who Do You Think You Are?

You’ve heard it.

I’ve heard it.

We can even laugh about it because it’s so common.

I’m talking about the snarky voice in your head that mouths off whenever you think about being a little bolder, or a little decadent, or more self-nurturing.

It’s the voice that says, “Who do you think you are?”

I’m embarrassed to admit this, but mine shows up as a group of high school girls.

Their eyes are lined with thick black pencil. They wear concert t-shirts. Their hair is burnt from too many home perms. One of them steps forward and says, with her hands on her hips, “Who do you think you are?” And then she turns to the others and says, “Who does she think she is?” Then they all take an aggressive step forward. (Welcome to an average day at my old high school!)

My friend Joy told me that “Who do you think you are?” jumps in whenever she imagines hanging out on the sofa reading magazines.

A few years ago, I saw Oprah speak. She said that every time she wanted to achieve more, the first voice she heard was “Who do you think you are?”

Every woman I know has her own version of this voice waiting in the wings.

In other words: Stay down, play small, shut up, and don’t embarrass yourself. Don’t even bother because you won’t make it, you don’t deserve it, and everyone knows it, and they’ll all laugh at you when you fail.

So, next time that voice jumps up in your head, here’s what you do:

Answer it.

Really. Who do you think you are?

————-

One time, I was telling a mentor about some fears coming up around a choice I was making.

I said, “…and all the voices in my head are saying, ‘Who do you think you are?’”

And he looked at me and said, “Well? Who do you think you are?”

I smiled and continued with my story.

He cut in.

“No. Stop. I really want to know. Who do you think you are? Tell me right now.”

In a very tiny voice, I told him.

Then he made me say it again in a bigger, stronger voice. And again after that.

He said, “There. Now you have an answer for your voices.”

Now I do this exercise every time those voices arise.

Here’s a tip:

When you answer that question, use language that speaks the truth of your strengths and values

In other words, make it authentic.

It’s tempting to recite something that sounds “lofty” or “holy.” I know you know what I mean. “I am a divine being, living in divine perfection with power and grace..and blah blah blah…abundance and light.”

Okay, fine.

True as that may be, if that language doesn’t resonate with you, you’ll never feel any bolder, and those high school girls with the black eye pencil will put their cigarettes out on your shoe.

The Co-op of Lack

My theory is that “Who do you think you are?” is actually a Co-op.

It’s a collective body of voices saying, “Agree with us in the lack that we see! Agree with us that there are no other options! Agree with us that no one has any power over life conditions!”

It’s actually pretty convenient.

It’s convenient to have this world-view because it gives you permission to stay stuck. It never requires that you do anything about it because after all, you’re dealing with a whole world-view!

Think about it.

When you say, “I no longer want to work with this abusive client,” you’re also saying, “AND, I believe there are multitudes of others out there for me.”

When you say, “I’m gonna nap right now, and I will be more productive and happier because of it,” you’re also saying, “AND, I believe that there’s more than enough time for me to get my to-do’s done.”

Get it?

Essentially, you’re telling the Co-op that you’ve decided to create a whole new world-view!

Extra Credit Bonus Tip

Let’s be honest.

Most likely there are occasions when you’ve been the one saying, “Who does she think she is?” (Even if it’s only in your head.)

Don’t be ashamed. It simply means that you have more opportunities to shift those old lack mindsets. Usually those mindsets are saying: “I’m feeling small and poor, so she should be small and poor too.” We’ve all caught ourselves doing this.

Even if it’s uncomfortable, you can choose to bless or praise anyone who seems to be taking bigger strides in her life. Then remind yourself again who you think you are, and join her!

—
Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her ‘LiveCreative’ weekly ezine with more than 4,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.

(photo borrowed from Brene)

For the last few days, I have been working on a post with the original title up there.  I had my dilemma all laid out.  I explained that I am between a place of should and want in my life, and I feel run over by my to do list of what I should be doing.  Right now, I feel drawn towards my want to move to more creative endeavors, and I am having trouble focusing on the shoulds.  I outlined all the reasons I love my job and some of the reasons that make it hard.  And, in the language of the whole post I talked about the separation between my creative life and my academic one.

And, then I opened Brene’s post from a few days ago.  Brene’s blog is one of the blogs that I read very slowly.  With most blogs, I just devour new posts, trying to take in as much information as possible, but with Brene’s, I take my time.  She has amazing things to say, and I feel a connection to her for some reason.  But, when I opened this last post, that connection was made even clearer.  The image above is of a statue on the University of Houston campus, where Brene works.  The statue is called “Sandy in a Box.”  This is why the title of this post has a subtitle.

Reading through her post, I realize that I am trying to place all the areas of my life into little boxes (yes, the song is playing through my head too): this project focuses on diversity issues, in this one I am going to work on green issues, here I am going to be a teacher, here I am going to be creative, here is where I am going to spend time with my friends and family, and this is where I am going to be an Army wife that knows about deployments and acronyms (albeit a box I haven’t found myself in lately, and I am little afraid of returning to). And, like Brene, I think I am ready to start stepping outside of these boxes, and I have found it to be an uncomfortable process.

I really don’t know why I thought living my life in this compartmentalized way was going to work.  It is like trying to have completely separate groups of friends.  There are times when you want to pull everyone together.  So, instead of focusing on the different hats I am supposed to be wearing in each scenario, I am going to acknowledge the pull I feel between want and should.  I also have to acknowledge that being in this position is a dangerous spot for me because it has a tendency to stop productivity on all things.  This is because when I move towards doing something I want to do, I feel bad that I am not working on my shoulds and vice versa.  And, as a result of all of this, I am turning my wants into requirements (ie: making Christmas presents for everyone) in order to give myself permission to do what I want in the first place.

The bottom line is I have to make some decisions about my time and intentions related to what I want to do and what my perception is about what I should be doing.  I have to pay more attention to the work and time I do that fulfills me.

A place to start:

1. It is time for me to start really practicing Christine Kane’s philosophy about if is not an automatic yes, then it is a no!  The things I am working on are either a part of my whole life or they aren’t.  And, if they aren’t, then I need to cut my ties with them.
2. I plan to honor the commitments I already have but take more time to think about those I accept or seek out after this point.  Those who know me will know that this is not my typical MO.  I love to help people, and I love to get involved, but I need to be better about managing my involvement.
3. As a creative person, I need to believe creativity will follow me into all the areas of my life if I follow my last decision.  And, it is okay for me to be creative.  It is what makes me a good teacher and a hard worker.  And, my creativity allows me a different view of the world than everyone else.
4. I need to understand that my view of the world is not going to be accepted by everyone.  After all, the reason I have a different view than others is because theirs doesn’t resonate with me. I want to try to start using the appropriate language when these differences occur.  It isn’t always personal.  Those that I have conflict with just believe in their view point as strongly as I believe in mine.

This whole process makes me think a lot about Robert Frost’s poem “The Road Not Taken.”   I have taught this several times to my students.  I think it is a great poem to use with students that don’t have experience with poetry because most of them feel like they understand what Frost is saying, and the message resonates for them.  Upon the first reading, students always think that Frost is celebrating the choice he made to take a particular path.  But, in actuality, it is more likely that the poem wasn’t meant to talk about the benefit of one choice over the other.  Instead, Frost is talking about the inevitability of the choices you have to make.

I think this poem can really be thought of as a statement about just living your life to see how things turn out. So, while I am at this crossroads between want and should, I get to decide if those are two divergent paths, solely moving away from each other.  In this model, I am always missing out on something, and I will likely always be at the standstill I am at right now.

I would like to have a more circular approach to my life, where moving towards something is not moving away from something else, but rather, sneaking up on it from behind!  I think that’s the only true way for me to break out of my boxes and live one complete, fulfilling life.