hopefully something rhetorical

I just sat down to write this post, and I turned on Pandora, and the first song that came up was Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson.  It seems like a perfect sentiment for this afternoon.

I don’t know if I have shared yet, but the boy and I are going to be moving back to Northern VA.  I am ecstatic about the chance to live near my family again…to go home.  My grandmother is getting older, my brothers are starting their grown-up lives, babies are being born, and I am feeling too far away.  All this causes the draw I feel towards home to be stronger than normal.  So, finding out about this move was wonderful!  But, as with any move, my life has to be rewritten.

Even though this is a move back to a familiar scene, I have to rewrite the day-to-day adventures.  And, it is important for me to rewrite, not just fall back into the same old roles I have already lived there. This is hard to do.  Those old roles are comfortable and safe, and they are what people expect of me.  I am also a little scared of falling back into the hectic pace of life I am finally trying to ease my way out of, particularly since it seems so clear lately that additional stress is not good for my health.  So, I decided when we found out that this was going to be a moment this year for me to think about my word.

I have been embracing this move and all the possibilities it presents.  I have a lead on a new job, and I have already sent in an application.  We have a decision as to where we will be living, at least for the short term.  And, I have an idea about what the next step in my career will be, and my application to the program is underway.

This last one has presented a little bit of a problem for me in the “embrace” department.  Part of the difficulty I have had with this word is that I am not sure what to embrace from time-to-time.  I keep questioning whether or not I am falling back into the same patterns or whether or not I am pursuing what I really want.  I have said for a number of years that I really regret not having completed my minor in college, and now, I have a chance to work on a masters in the same area.  This new degree would allow me some flexibility with teaching opportunities as well.  I could potentially teach a few classes with a lightened grading load.  It seems like the right step to embrace.

Completing the application, however, has been a test of this decision to embrace this step.  Asking for recommendations has struck a nerve that I was hoping to avoid with this familiar moment of putting myself out there.  The boy’s job makes my career difficult to navigate.  To do what I really want, I need more education than I have now, and that requires that I ask for help from others, which is something I am definitely not comfortable with.  Bottom line is I am trying to figure out if this is a moment to embrace the opportunity for quiet or if this is the time to fight for what seems natural.

For now, I think my decision will be to embrace the choices I have already made and just keep breathing my way through the process.  I think I will be listening to this more often though!  Never hurts to have a reminder.