hopefully something rhetorical

Tuesday is my day off during the week.  And, I have been pretty protective about it.  The boy and I both have.  Teaching can easily bleed into time that you might normally have off.  It is definitely not a leave-it-at-the-office kind of job.  And, while I love what I do, there are moments that it wears on me.  So, a few semesters ago, I started giving myself a little more time off where I could.  And, Tuesdays became that day for me.

Then, about a year or so ago, I was in my office, and I had someone call looking for editing work.  It was a last minute job, as they often are, and I get a few calls like it every year, probably because my name is near the top of the list on our faculty directory.

The job was for a busy doctor in town.  He needed help getting an assignment his daughter had created ready for a national competition.  So, because I like a challenge, I said yes.  And, was easily able to turn the document around in a day.  Then a month or so ago, I got another call from the same doctor looking for me to help his other daughter.  This was, again, a school assignment with a quick turn around requirement.  And, I, again, got it done for him.

As a result of this, he wanted to set-up tutoring sessions with his oldest daughter.  And, he isn’t really the type of man that takes no for an answer.  What I should have said was that while I have a full class load that I didn’t take on individual tutoring, not to mention that I teach college, not high school, which is actually a fairly large distinction.

I knew when I was first approached that I didn’t want to do it, but I felt kinda pressured by him.  It wasn’t an absolute “no,” but it definitely wasn’t an absolute “yes” either.  So, we started talking about days during the week that would work, and it ended up that Tuesday afternoons were the only time that would work for both of us.  So, very reluctantly, I said okay.

I have been rolling this “yes” around in my brain for a week or so now trying to wrap my head around this as something I would actually have to do.    And, it wasn’t just about the time involved.  Our philosophies about writing are completely opposite from each other.  I believe that you learn to write with practice and safe environments where it is okay for you to make mistakes.  And, I believe that my job is to help show students where those mistakes are without judgment.  The Dr. told me that he wanted me to force his daughter to love writing.  There is no forcing about my method of teaching.  But, still I rolled this “yes” around in my head trying to come up with a plan of attack.

Then, today, I read this post from Liz.  Last week, she challenged her readers to do something that scared them.  And, while I was thinking about all the possibilities of what I could do today that scared me, I realized that thing I wanted to do the most was preserve and protect my time.  And, this is a scary thing to me.  With my brand of teaching, there is always a certain amount of fear and contingency planning.  And, with the discussion of budget cuts spreading through higher education like wildfire, I think the “yes” was from a place of fear.

We are about to move.  We have to leave the home we have made for ourselves.  I am going to have to leave my secure job and face a new city with a new job search.  I have to start over, and we don’t know where we are going yet.  Those are some pretty scary things for me.

But, instead of staying in that place of fear, I decided to embrace my choice to value my time, which is probably what I need now more than anything.  And, I decided to embrace the challenge Liz offered, and I canceled.  I will not be tutoring on Tuesday afternoons.  I will do what I can to find a replacement, but I am going to say “no” to that kind of “yes.”

I think this year’s word is going to be perfect.